Late Night Thoughts

As the wee hours of the morning come upon me I find my mind wandering. It wanders to all those little messy corners I never seem to bother and clean. The small thoughts that get tucked away under the rugs and only come up when I look really close.

I realize this is the moment I have to be honest with myself. I either clean up the little mess or I sweep it under the rug once again to be found on another late and thoughtful evening.

Tonights mess is trust. Although that may not seem like a small mess, it is in a large corner in my mind. A corner I just put a curtain in front of and walk past every day. Sometimes I peek in and then run in the other direction. Tonight I feel the need to clean though.

I have been lied to so many times by a significant other that it has fragmented my ability to believe and trust what another person says and does. I find myself questioning their every word and action. This is in no way fair to this new person! I must find a way to think differently.

The only conclusion I have come up with is that I am afraid. I'm afraid that I will get hurt again. I'm afraid that once again I trust too much and I will be looked upon as a fool by those who know me. A fool for believing this person when all the others lied to me constantly. But more than the thoughts of others, I'm afraid that I will believe that I am a fool for believing that someone out there could really care about me and want to build trust with me. For believing that I am worthy of such a person. I am afraid that I am not enough.

So, the only solution is to take the leap of faith and trust. I must believe that I am worthy of a person who cares enough about me to not lie and to stay with me. I must believe that I am good enough. So, when those thoughts come into my mind, which they will, I will choose to tell them to go away!

I will take the risk because the reward is so lucrative, so appealing that I must! I can't let my past mess up my future with doubt.

There you have it. The curtain is down and some of the furniture has been rearranged. It may take some time to clean up the clutter, dust, and vacuum, but it's a start. A start to a beautiful room called trusting again.