Late Night Thoughts

As the wee hours of the morning come upon me I find my mind wandering. It wanders to all those little messy corners I never seem to bother and clean. The small thoughts that get tucked away under the rugs and only come up when I look really close.

I realize this is the moment I have to be honest with myself. I either clean up the little mess or I sweep it under the rug once again to be found on another late and thoughtful evening.

Tonights mess is trust. Although that may not seem like a small mess, it is in a large corner in my mind. A corner I just put a curtain in front of and walk past every day. Sometimes I peek in and then run in the other direction. Tonight I feel the need to clean though.

I have been lied to so many times by a significant other that it has fragmented my ability to believe and trust what another person says and does. I find myself questioning their every word and action. This is in no way fair to this new person! I must find a way to think differently.

The only conclusion I have come up with is that I am afraid. I'm afraid that I will get hurt again. I'm afraid that once again I trust too much and I will be looked upon as a fool by those who know me. A fool for believing this person when all the others lied to me constantly. But more than the thoughts of others, I'm afraid that I will believe that I am a fool for believing that someone out there could really care about me and want to build trust with me. For believing that I am worthy of such a person. I am afraid that I am not enough.

So, the only solution is to take the leap of faith and trust. I must believe that I am worthy of a person who cares enough about me to not lie and to stay with me. I must believe that I am good enough. So, when those thoughts come into my mind, which they will, I will choose to tell them to go away!

I will take the risk because the reward is so lucrative, so appealing that I must! I can't let my past mess up my future with doubt.

There you have it. The curtain is down and some of the furniture has been rearranged. It may take some time to clean up the clutter, dust, and vacuum, but it's a start. A start to a beautiful room called trusting again.

Drawbridges

Here are some things I thought of today about Autumn. Driving in Missouri during the Autumn makes my heart swell with the beauty of it all.

The drawbridges of tree branches sway lazily, the easy breeze tossing them gently back and forth. The delicate swatches of red, gold, and orange threaten to leave their bay and go out into the unknown. The trees sing a beautiful song of Autumn as the days grow colder, and the colors grow brighter and the beauty of their death is realized. For soon the drawbridges will be empty of their passengers and will embrace their slumber.

Dreams Dreamt

Sometimes my heart aches. It aches for dreams dreamt but never seen. It aches for what could have been and for the loss of what should have been. My heart cries at the very real notion that what once was is no longer. My path completely altered. Some loss is not felt, but gain is seen in this tragedy. Freedom from a life of agony and suffering, but what of the small yet very large hole in my heart? The loss of intimacy of the dream that started yet never finished. Some things are not meant to go on forever. Letting go is never easy. Realizing that I must let go of the dream never seen and grab onto another dream is painful. It cuts deep into my spirit and brings a sadness that cannot be expressed. Yet, just as in the night, a new dream comes. It brings thoughts of wonder and excitement, angst and nervousness, gladness and bliss. For in this new dream I can live again. My heart can see a way to a new hope, a new way to be. And slowly, slowly my heart aches a little less until one day the dream that was dreamt and never seen is just a memory. No longer a dream in the forefront, but a fond thought of what might have been. My heart can rejoice in the new dream, the dream that becomes reality.

Whisper in the Wind

Who am I? I am just a whisper in the wind. Here one second and gone the next. Invisible to those around me. I am a simple noise, but when they turn their heads I am gone. Alone. But You Lord are the wind! You are what carries me through. Without You I would be a stagnant noise left to see only one station in life. Your wings lift me to heights I could never have imagined! As I look down on all that is below I am frightened. But You guard me, You clothe me in Your gentle caresses and slowly bring me back down to the Earth like a feather. You guide me with Your twists and turns, never knowing where I am going, but all the time I am learning new places and seeing new things.  You fill me with wonder that I might be more than just a whisper. For when the wind blows fast, I am suddenly transformed into a mighty roar! It matters not what I sound like anymore though, for this whole time I was never alone, never invisible. You saw me and held me the entirety of my journey, even before I knew You were there. So who am I? I am a whisper in the Wind.

The Power of Music

I believe in the power that music has in my life. During a time in my life where nothing seemed to make sense and my emotions were raw, music was there for me.

 I had just decided to get a divorce after five years of an exhausting marriage. The decision to do so was almost harder than the entire marriage. My heart was broken and I was alone. Where was I to get the strength to move on? Who would love me now?  Questions poured through me like a waterfall, each thought taking me to the ground.

As I mowed my yard, I  listened to Celtic Woman, an all-woman Irish group that sings inspirational songs.  I soon began to feel my spirit lift. After I was done though, I didn’t want to take the earphones out.  My soul just couldn’t get enough of the positive message it was being fed.  I knew then that I could survive. I could make it in the world, and the sadness that engulfed me would soon pass by and I would be whole again.

Soon I found myself treading out into the unknown trying to figure my life out. Thirty and divorced with a job that was moving to Mexico, I had limited options. When I decided to go back to school I was struck with such a deep fear that it almost paralyzed me. As I drove to the school I put on a new album I had just purchased by a hardcore band called For Today.  As I listened to the second track I felt the fear wither away. With its melodic beats of triumph and lyrics such as “I am fearless”, I felt the courage rise up in me. Suddenly I knew I could go to college and succeed. The music had transformed me into a fearless warrior who was about to take the battlefield of life in the grips of my hands!

Not too long after school started, I found myself driving home alone with nothing to do but to listen to music again. I had conquered my divorce and my fear of school. I was nothing but happy and content.  I ended up listening to a silly song, “I Love Beans” by a cartoon character named Brak.  It is the kind of silly song small children sing and giggle at. As I sang along to the ridiculous lyrics I found myself laughing at the oddity of myself. I had no care in the world except to sing of beans, and I didn’t care who knew! The beans made me happy.

Music has the power to change. When everything seems lost and life feels like it’s broken, music is the glue that sticks it back together. Music speaks to the raw emotion that can sometimes control my life and overwhelm me. No matter what mood I may be in, music can always make it better.

The Beginning of My Writings

People take solace in many different things. Some listen to music, go for a walk in nature, or pray. I listen to my soul and write my feelings out in a new way. I've written a few different things over the years and haven't stored them anywhere. I think it's time to put them out there and continue my writing journey on here. I hope that my words can touch your soul as much as they have touched others.